Friday, May 22, 2009

Underwear Dust


BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!!

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.




The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !
You guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

God Still Speaks‏

This will give you the chills........

GOOD chills.

A young man had been to Wednesday Night Bible Study.

The Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord's voice

The young man couldn't help but wonder, 'Does God still speak to people?'

After service, he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message.
Several different ones talked about how God had led them in different ways.

It was about ten o'clock when the young man started
driving home. Sitting in his car, he just began to pray, 'God...If you still speak to people, speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey.'

As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk.

He shook his head and said out loud, 'God is that you?' He didn't get a reply and started on toward home.

But again, the thought, buy a gallon of milk.

The young man thought about Samuel and how he didn't recognize the voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli.

'Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk.' It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home.

As he passed Seventh Street, he again felt the urge, 'Turn Down that street.'

This is crazy he thought, and drove on past the intersection.

Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street.

At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh.

Half jokingly, he said out loud,

'Okay, God, I will.'

He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in a semi- commercial area of town. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst of neighborhoods either.
The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed.

Again, he sensed something! , 'Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street.' The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat.

'Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will look stupid.' Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk.

Finally, he opened the door, 'Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for something, but if they don't answer right away, I am out of here.'

He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man's voice! yelled out, 'Who is it? What do you want?' Then the door opened before the young man could get away.

The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn't seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep. 'What is it?'

The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, 'Here, I brought this to you.' The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway.

Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk! toward the kitchen. The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears streaming down his face.

The man began speaking and half cryi ng, 'We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk.'

His wife in the kitchen yelled out, 'I asked him to send an Angel with some. Are you an Angel?'

The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in the man's hand. He turned and walked back toward his car and the tears were streaming down his face.

He knew that God still answers prayers.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Police at ur door

An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden , but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:


Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me....Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie


At 4 a.m. The next morning, CID agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant

the yams and potatoes now the ground has been dug up. That's the best I can do under these circumstances

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Joke Of The Day

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

Friday, May 15, 2009

THE BUS RIDE

Several years ago, a preacher from out-of-state accepted a call to a church in Houston , Texas .

Some weeks after he arrived, he had an occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area.

When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change.
As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, 'You'd better give the quarter back.
It would be wrong to keep it.' Then he thought, 'Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter.
Who would worry about this little amount?
Anyway, the bus company gets too much fare; they will never miss it.
Accept it as a gift from God and keep quiet.'

When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, 'Here, you gave me too much change.'

The driver, with a smile, replied, 'Aren' t you the new preacher in town?
I have been thinking a lot lately about going somewhere to worship.
I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change.
I'll see you at church on Sunday.'

When the preacher stepped off of the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, held on, and said, 'Oh God, I almost sold your Son for a quarter.'

Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read.
This is a really scary example of how much people watch us as Christians and will put us to the test!
Always be on guard -- and remember -- You carry the name of Christ on your shoulders when you call yourself 'Christian.'

Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits.

Watch your habits; they become character.

Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

I'm glad a friend forwarded to me as a reminder. God bless you; I hope you are having a wonderful day!

Stay FAITHFUL and Be GRATEFUL

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A little laughter goes a long way

What's absolutely free, has no known negative side effects and boasts health benefits ranging from boosting your immune system to reducing your food cravings? The punch line: laughter!

Need a chuckle? Sometimes, all it takes is someone else to get the giggles going.


Research shows that laughing increases your threshold for pain, lowers blood pressure, reduces stress hormones, aids in the healing process, and triggers the release of endorphins - your body's natural painkillers. A good chuckle can even be contagious, elevating the mood of those around you and enhancing the quality of your social interactions.

In fact, multinational corporations are now in on the joke, using laugh therapy to relieve employee stress and help them lead more happy and productive lives. Here's what the buzz is all about and how you can incorporate laugh therapy into your everyday life:

Tip #1: Have your morning coffee with laughter

Wake up every morning feeling grumpy? Watch 30 minutes of your favourite comedy show before heading to work. After all, a Seinfeld rerun or Three Stooges oldie is far more likely to put a smile on your face than the morning headlines.

Tip #2: Call on your friends

Surround yourself with things that make you laugh — like your closest friends! Round up a group of buddies and head out to a comedy club for an evening of infectious chuckles and funny memories.

Tip #3: Check your local listings

Action flicks offer plenty of suspense but romantic comedies - whether in theatres or on a video store shelf - always deliver laughs.

Tip #4: Turn lemons into lemonade

Whether you've had a terrible week at work or experienced a big blowout with your significant other, it's possible to find humour in life's toughest moments if you look hard enough. Consider what comical spin you might put on a difficult event when relaying it to friends and family.

Tip #5: Make-believe mirth

You don't have to bust a gut to reap the therapeutic rewards of laughter. Even smiling when you don't feel like it can alter your mood and relax your body. So smile more and fake laughter even when you feel like frowning.

Tip #6: Open your ears

That long ride to your in-laws’ house promises to be tortuous so add levity to your journey by popping in your favourite comedy CD. And commuting to work on the subway, train or bus is a lot easier to take if you’ve loaded your MP3 player with something that tickles your funny bone. (Warning: expect funny looks from your fellow commuters who want to be in on the joke.) Timeless classics include Rodney Dangerfield’s No Respect and Jerry Seinfeld’s I’m Telling You for the Last Time.

Tip #7: Be creative

Express your feelings through art. Draw an amusing caricature of that store clerk who spoke to you rudely. Or create a comic strip detailing last night's parking ticket fiasco. And don't worry about becoming the next Picasso. Putting paintbrush to paper is all about finding your funny bone - not fame.

About.com, Stress Management, website

Get Motivated


True success comes from staying positive and focused, day after day, month after month. Yet that's a real challenge in today's noisy, complicated, fast-paced world.

Sometimes we forget the really important things in life



Saying Grace In A Restaurant


Last week, I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets u s ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."


Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Swine Flu Protection (H1N1)

We are getting all types of warning about the flu thing going on. They are telling us that pharmacies have already run out of masks, and that masks are an almost guaranteed protection against the flu. So they are showing us how to make homemade masks.

Here are 2 versions you might want to consider.

When you deplete the conventional face masks.


Friday, May 8, 2009

SWINE FLU a.k.a. H1N1 VIRUS

Meedan Event

Egypt to kill all pigs, will that protect it from swine flu?

The Egyptian authorities announced that they will slaughter all pigs in Egypt as a swine flu precaution, a move considered ineffective by many experts.

The virus can be transmitted from one person to the other now, and pigs are no longer the source of danger. That was the point that many health officials cited to criticize the decision.

Some Egyptian bloggers considered the move a governmental crackdown on the Copts, a Christian minority in Egypt, the main breeders of pigs in Egypt.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Laugh

I was at my bank today. There was a short line, with just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen.

Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

Monday, May 4, 2009

Three Things In Life

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back
1. Time
2. Words
3. Opportunity
Three things in life that can destroy a person
1. Anger
2. Pride
3. Unforgiveness
Three things in life that you should never lose
1. Hope
2. Peace
3. Honesty
Three things in life that are most valuable
1. Love
2. Family & Friends
3. Kindness
Three things in life that are never certain
1. Fortune
2. Success
3. Dreams
Three things that make a person
1. Commitment
2. Sincerity
3. Hard work
Three things that are truly constant -
Father - Son - Holy Spirit

Friday, May 1, 2009